Secrets

My Mom taught me to value honesty. Throughout the years she has had to share with me some difficult things, but she has remained true to her values. Secrets kept only perpetuate problems. Brothers and sisters who keep secrets, keep their siblings under lock and key. Release yourself and your family by vowing to be honest with each other, and freedom awaits you.

Secrets are poison to a relationship. If you find it is hard to be open and honest with someone, then you can almost be sure it's not going to work. Watch the person you are with in their other relationships, if they are deceitful with other friends, how can you expect them to be any different with you.

Settling

I love your comment Celeste :

"I don't have a problem with settling down, I have a problem with settling for less."
Don't settle for anything less than true love, true lifelong commitment !
-Celeste

Wow that's powerful!

Communication

Mom says, "Just Talk." If a relationship is meant to happen, communication will be healthy and easy. On the contrary, you will never work through differences and tough times if you can't communicate from the beginning. Some people commit to a relationship regardless of warning signs that pop up; they say to themselves, "We'll learn to work through problems later when it's more serious. Right now I just want to have fun." But old habits are hard to break. When the time comes to support each other through a tough time, neither knows how to express themselves or listen to the other. The relationship falls apart.

The foundation of every healthy relationship is based on communication. When fate brings up discussion topics on the first date, please don't skirt the issues. This is the perfect time to practice communication skills before the issues become serious. Make up your own communication rules, together of course. Allow yourselves the time to explain what you would like to happen when a difference of opinion arises. And don't be surprised if your families have very different ways of working it out. Try to pick the best of both worlds.

Marry Your Best Friend

For the life of me I can't remember what we were talking about that brought up this topic. But I recall the frustration of a teenager fed up with the frivolous ways we make serious decisions, and I remember my enthusiastic suggestion clear as day, "Mom why don't you and dad just arrange a marriage for me. You know what's important more than I do." And, I'll never forget my mother's sparky response,

"Oh, no you don't! You go find your own best friend."

I heard the underlying tones that read, "I don't want to be held responsible." A best friend cannot be chosen for you. Dates come and go, but best friends last a lifetime. Marry your best friend.

I find that I share this practical advice quite frequently. But it was only recently that I realized just how mysterious and unfamiliar this advice can be. This fall a good friend who is redefining Love in his life helped open my eyes to the enormous chasm between dating as we know it, and this new paradigm we are creating. This truth has impacted my life in so many positive ways, therefore, I would be remiss if I did not share this advice even more frequently and I will repeat it as often as necessary until it impacts our culture as it has so generously impacted me.

Heartbreak

I was 11. My Mom and I have always been best friends, but our ever deepening relationship really began when she shared with me this brutally honest advice. "Soon your friends are going to be dating." Sure I knew they already were, but I also knew what she meant. Any 11 year old can tell you that REAL dating was still somewhere off in the distant future.

"Next year in school they will start pairing up in couples. They might start spending less time with their girl friends so that they can meet boys. Watch them closely. Don't be too anxious to rush out and do the same thing." I heard the underlying message already, This isn't where True Love is to be found. "These relationships won't last long. Maybe one week, maybe three months and then your friends will be back." Outside, I was trying to look chill; I'm old enough to hear this. Inside, I was listening attentively, on the edge of my seat. "Don't write off your friends during this time," she continued, "In fact, when they come back, they'll need you more than ever. So be there for them." Why will they need me more? "Heartbreak."

This is when I realized there was an inherent problem with the "dating system" as we know it. What could be more flawed than sending 11 year-olds out into the world to find the boy who looks the cutest in photos and filling her heart with aspirations of holding his hand. All the while knowing that this will only provide joy for 2.5 weeks or until he finds another girl who looks more cute in photos. If this is the only source of joy you can offer this little 11 year old, then please don't bother. She doesn't need your joy, she'll find her own.

Heartbreak. In this series A New Paradigm I will endeavor to provide advice and anticdotes of a heartbreak-free lifestyle. Challenge me, prove me wrong if you can.

THE EXCLUDED MIDDLE - does your world view explain the invisible?

Physical world - We see. We touch. Science explains.
Philosophical world - We think. We reason. We decide if we believe in one God or in one million gods.
But what about the invisible interaction between these two worlds. Can your world view explain when God intervenes in the lives of humans? I've heard this called the Excluded Middle. It encompasses all the stuff we can't explain and perhaps we would rather deny it exists at all. Have you ever wondered about this kind of stuff?

Fate. Coincidence. Providence. No one believes in coincidences. Forces that guide events are too strong to ignore. Some call it spirit, some call it astrology. It's not trendy to believe in them either, but people wish and hope they could believe in something that would give meaning to the course of the universe. I call it providence. My life is the chapter in the book of history, and everything makes sense.

An invisible spiritual world. Angels. Signs. Magic. Some world views attribute all events that can't be explained by science as spiritual. Others say everything can be explained by science. But I wonder if these folks have traveled much. Sorcerers are real. Ask the one that lives down the block. Voodoo workers are real, and zombies really do walk the streets in Haiti. Do these powers come from science? If your world view is in denial they exist then you are admitting that you can not explain the invisible. Why would I want to sign up for a world view that is lacking explanations?

That empty feeling after sex. The supernatural connection between two people when they begin doing it. The invisible unbreakable bond that sends you into depression when you break up. Your shrink won't tell you that person's heart united with your own, and now you must tear out part of your own heart as you send them packing.

Addictions. Why do people start? Why does a beautiful thirteen year old decide one day to start smoking "because she needs a tic?" What are we avoiding in life that it is less painful to subject ourselves to the bondage of gambling, smoking, drinking, Internet, and mindless pastimes that take our mind off of our true life.

Shopping. Your shrink will tell you shopping is a compulsion that you can not control, that you must find a balance between "treating yourself to a pleasure" and not going over budget. But has anyone considered the age old yearning to become a new person? It dates to Ancient Egyptian times and beyond. Men carry the latest gadget proudly and feel like a new person. Women walk out of the store wearing the latest fashion and are reborn.

Jesus says this constant thirst to become a new being will never be quenched except through the acknowledgment of a spiritual world around us. He has come to bestow the power to actually become that new person we've always dreamed of, casting off past bondage and living a fulfilled life that makes sense. If you could have control over this spiritual dimension around you, would you dare to believe?

"HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT ..."

love. trust. confidence. faith.
Where does one end and the other begin?

is LOVE bestowed?
is TRUST earned?
is CONFIDENCE allusive?
is FAITH a laughable myth like spontaneous combustion?

Excerpt

"That's how God wins your trust. He's asking you to follow him as you see him unfolding his will in you. As you do that, you'll find that his words and his ways will hold more certainty for you than your best plans or wisdom."
"I've never seen it that way, John. I've always thought faith was something I had to conjure up to get God to act."
"That doesn't sound too healthy, does it? Increasing trust is the fruit of a growing relationship. The more you know him and his ways the more free you'll be to live beyond the influences that tie you down to your own flawed wisdom. As you see his faithfulness unfold in you life through the coming days, you will come to know just how deeply you can trust him. That's where you'll find real freedom."
"So there is no trust where there's no relationship?"
"No, there's not. Too many people confuse faith with presumption. They are consumed by their own agenda, even quoting scriptures to prove God will have to do it their way and end up so disappointed when he doesn't. But God will even use that disappointment to invite them into a real trust that is based on his unfolding work in them."
- Excerpt from the book So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore by Jake Colsen chapter 10, Won to Trust, page 135. Read for yourself for free online at www.jakecolsen.com